<div dir="ltr"><div>I'm moderating a webinar. <br></div><div>And let's back up a year. My spouse decides she wants a cockatiel. I don't care what animal she gets as long as she takes care of it. Of course, I end up taking care of it -- I'm home all day. The things are social and as long as he's sitting on my shoulder Life Is Great For The Cockatiel. Week 1 of owning this bird nearly every shirt I own has bird poop on the right shoulder. Why? Because he is unhappy on my left shoulder. Week 2? Michael Jackson had his sequined glove, Taylor Swift has those shorts-thingies, and I have a rag over my right shoulder. It has become a part of my identity. <br></div><div>So. A year later. Webinar. Tunneling in cable modem termination systems or proactive maintenance on the DOCSIS 3.0 platform or something -- let me know and I'll send you the link. And I want to stress this -- this is far from either my or the bird's first webinar. We are, at this point, webinar veterans. Fifteen minutes into this particular webinar, however, the cockatiel, hanging out on top of his cage, for no reason goes from 1 to 11 on the Agitation Meter. Or maybe it's a she -- I really don't care. Anyway, "Tweet! Tweet!" says the cockatiel. "Tweet! Tweet!" <br></div><div>Normally, what calms down the bird is the opportunity to poop on my shoulder. So I hold out a finger as a perch, which thus far in Our Life Together has only meant but one thing -- "next stop: right shoulder." </div><div>A message pops up in the Webinar Chat Window. It's from the sound engineer with the webinar hosting company. It says "Does anyone else hear a bird?" <br></div><div>It's cool, though.I have my finger in position. I got this. <br></div><div>The bird cocks its head, hops and takes flight, soars over my finger and starts doing circles around the room, screeching "TWEET! TWEET!" <br></div><div>I am confused. The finger has always worked before. I stand up, helpfully displaying my finger to the crazed cockatiel, whose name is Pluma. Pluma wants none of it. "TWEET TWEET TWEET!" He's flying like it's Independence Day and he's Dennis Quaid's unhinged little brother trying to make a virtue of his unhingedness in the last major motion picture he'll ever be hired for. <br></div><div>A message pops up in the Webinar Chat Window. It's from the guy with the webinar hosting company. It says "Brian, we have the bird isolated on your mike."</div><div>I scream -- in my head mind you, only in my head -- "I FUCKING KNOW!" This is an accurate, word-for-word quote, which you can attribute to the source. <br></div><div>After another 30 seconds of screeching tweets and frantic flapping, the situation,
for reasons known only to the cockatiel,
de-escalates. He alights on top of his cage -- or maybe it's a she, I don't really care -- and goes all quiet contemplation on me, like a Zen Master demonstrating Cosmic Stillness. <br></div><div><br></div><div>I have told this story to a hundred people. Every single one of them asked, "Why didn't you just put your microphone on mute?"</div><div>For the hundredth-and-oneth time: because I'm an idiot. <br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div></div><br><div class="gmail_quote"><div dir="ltr">On Wed, Oct 10, 2018 at 9:13 AM Tim Walker <<a href="mailto:tewalkerjr@gmail.com">tewalkerjr@gmail.com</a>> wrote:<br></div><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0 0 0 .8ex;border-left:1px #ccc solid;padding-left:1ex"><div dir="ltr">These are great, Tom — thanks.</div><br><div class="gmail_quote"><div dir="ltr">On Wed, Oct 10, 2018 at 10:38 AM Tom Henderson <<a href="mailto:thenderson@extremelabs.com" target="_blank">thenderson@extremelabs.com</a>> wrote:<br></div><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0 0 0 .8ex;border-left:1px #ccc solid;padding-left:1ex">
<div text="#000000" bgcolor="#FFFFFF">
<p>From my ugly conf call memories:</p>
<p>1) PR and Company CEO think they're on mute or haven't heard my
entrance tone. PR company is in the midst of a long diss of the
publication I'm representing, calling out chapter and verse for
each of their top staff. Epithets and expletives abound. CEO is
digesting the background. Oh, you heard about X from Y pub? Five
minute story about taking two journos on a drunken #MeToo
experience. Said he caught a case of something. PR person
snickers. I clear my throat. You'd have thought a completely
different pair of individuals were subsequently on this call.</p>
<p>2) Had a nine-person conf call. CEO/founder, VP marketing,
product manager, geeks from Israel and India on speakerphones, PR
person desperately trying to manage the call, and a product
engineer. Fortunately, they knew how to use mute controls. The
rest: Total mayhem, with mayhem slides, then the app demo that
switched back and forth between machines, and nothing worked at
all, period, for the entire wasted hour. Nine sheepish goodbyes.<br>
</p>
<p>3) We have a conf call to tell a product manager that his stuff
actually doesn't work, and why. This is impossible for him to
believe, so we switch into view screen mode. He watches the
problems with his own eyes. He yells, "FU A$$holes" and terminates
the call. An hour later, a request from the VP to do a conf call.
Rinse repeat the demo from our side. "Hooooolleeeeeeyyyy F" is his
response. Next morning, another and final conf call, final because
we don't get paid to teach vendors their mistakes. It's the coder.
I fixed it, he says. A week later, we've checked it. Nope, not
fixed, smoking crater with scents of sulfur. They were bought by a
certain three letter company two weeks later for almost a billion
dollars.</p>
<p>4) Product manager in Israel does a skype conf call. Very late in
the day for him. He didn't realize his cam was on. Naked, of
course. Very hairy guy. Eventually, he realizes this and the
screen goes blank, but not the audio. I hear a scramble while he's
talking. Call is cut short. Oddly and perhaps for the same reason,
he leaves the company not long after.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<p>Tom</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<br>
<div class="m_6527207566737123737m_7912125362260105033moz-cite-prefix">On 10/10/2018 10:11 AM, Tom Geller
wrote:<br>
</div>
<blockquote type="cite">Funny
you should ask this, because <a href="http://Cracked.com" target="_blank">Cracked.com</a> had a
somewhat-related listicle yesterday:
<div><br>
</div>
<div><a href="http://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-1104-21-hilariously-cringeworthy-moments-from-live-tv-shows/" target="_blank">http://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-1104-21-hilariously-cringeworthy-moments-from-live-tv-shows/</a></div>
<div><br>
</div>
<div>It includes the famous "baby running into the room"
conference call (#19)<br>
<div>
<div dir="auto"><br>
</div>
<div dir="auto">#21 had me rolling on the floor.</div>
<div dir="auto"><br class="m_6527207566737123737m_7912125362260105033Apple-interchange-newline">
---<br>
Tom Geller * Writer & Video/journalist * <a href="http://tomgeller.com" target="_blank">http://tomgeller.com</a><br>
Rotterdam, The Netherlands, +31 (0)6 87071468<br>
Oberlin, Ohio * +1-415-317-1805</div>
<div dir="auto"><br>
</div>
<div dir="auto"><br>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<br>
<fieldset class="m_6527207566737123737m_7912125362260105033mimeAttachmentHeader"></fieldset>
<br>
</blockquote>
<br>
<pre class="m_6527207566737123737m_7912125362260105033moz-signature" cols="72">--
Tom Henderson
ExtremeLabs, Inc.
+1 317 250 4646
Twitter: @extremelabs
Skype: extremelabsinc</pre>
</div>
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